What is nesting I hear you say? I am not talking about a bird’s nest but rather a co-parenting arrangement that is uniquely child centred.
What is Nesting?
The concept of nesting is where the children stay in the family home and the parents change between the home. The “on duty” parent will stay in the home while the “off duty” parent stays in alternative accommodation such as a family members house, with a friend or even in a converted garage.
Why Should We Nest?
Nesting can help preserve the children’s routine as well as helping them adjust to co-parenting. As the children will remain in the family home they can continue in the same school, see their friends and maintain family relationships with both parents uninterrupted. Keeping the children in their usual routine can be crucial to their well being during the separation. As well as benefiting the children, it can be helpful for parents adjusting to separation as well as giving each other space.
How Long Should I Nest For?
This is completely a personal decision for the parents to make. Nesting is temporary measure until your divorce is completed and there it is short term. Most couples nest no more than 15 months however some parents have known to nest right up until the children finish high school. You may also consider ending the nesting agreement when a certain milestone is reached, such as 1 year from divorce or a child’s birth date.
Should We Nest?
Nesting is not an ideal scenario for every family. If you are considering nesting you should speak to a lawyer and a therapist to see if it is right for you. Families experiencing a high conflict divorce would not be suitable for nesting. Whilst every divorce experiences conflict, if both parties are able to set aside feelings and communicate in a positive way then nesting may be suitable for your family.
Things To Consider
For nesting to work, both parents have to be committed and the schedule has to work for everyone. Although the schedule can be changed through agreement, it is best to maintain the agreed scheduled so that it is predictable for the children.
You will also need to consider the alternative accommodation where the off duty parent will live. It might not be in everyone’s budget to find rental accommodation and you may need to think outside the box such as staying in an Air B’n’B, living with another family member or friends, converting the garage to a self contained unit. If you decide to stay in the family home or rent an apartment together. You will need to talk about boundaries around this, for example, How much contact do I want with my spouse when I am on/off duty.
You should also have a discussion about dating and new relationships. If one parent is dating or in a new relationship, it is recommended that this is kept separate from on duty parenting time. Discussing how children are introduced to new partners is also an important topic to discuss at this stage.
We Want To Nest, What is Next?
Nesting requires a lot of thought, effort and sacrifice from both parents. If you both feel that nesting is suitable for your family then an agreement should be entered into. However, like parenting plans, these agreements are not legally binding on the parties. You should also obtain independent legal advice before proceeding with a nesting arrangement.
Nesting is not easy and probably doesn’t make sense to a lot of people however, the traditional kids moving between two houses scenario doesn’t have to be the only answer. Find what works best for your family. If your solution is based on love, it will be right.